dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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