my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He passed out mid-signature
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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