then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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