We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
