I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
