I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
