nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
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I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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