A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
