My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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