I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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