I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
