I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
