I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize