Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
