i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
