His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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