i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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