You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
