she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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