Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
