I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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