i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
