its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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