Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
