Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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