She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
