ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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