Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
