i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
