Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
