someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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