y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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