How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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