Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I love having hate sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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