If that was your dad, he is hot
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
