you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
