nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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