forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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