If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
