and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
