watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
