I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
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