Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
