I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
