what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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