I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
