you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
