Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
