i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
