So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
