if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this just has baby written all over it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
