She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
