The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
