Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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