we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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