I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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