the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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