So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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