Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
